Way back in 2011 when I’d vaguely realised that I might not be a mum, I found nothing to help me. No volumes in any bookshop spoke to me. A quick flick through the bio of the author often revealed that they were a parent. How could they anything of value to me? You could say the shelves were barren.
It was an article by Bibi Lynch in the Guardian which made me aware of Jody Day and her group called Gateway Women. At the time I was terrified, much too scared of my own bitterness to feel I’d be accepted anywhere, in any part of society. I’d tried going out since that last appointment with the clinic where the heartbeat wasn’t found and it had ended in disaster. I was regressing to a moody teenager with music beating in my ears. Drowning out my thoughts and the comments of others that hurt so much but that I was powerless to prevent or correct. I had no words.
Gateway Women had words to help. joined. I lurked. And then I bought the first edition of ‘Living The Life Unexpected’ by Jody Day. I figured that it was like having Jody in my pocket. The more I came to know of this extraordinary woman who dared to stand up and challenge society, the more I wondered what would she do in the situations I found myself in. This book doesn’t give you the answers to that question, it goes step further and give you the tools to make choices. And believe me, you have options.
It’s not easy. There’s a lot to dig into, structured around a survey, the questions within it, set the tone for twelve steps. It takes some soul searching but you realise just how far you’ve come with the life you had, and the one you are embarking on. Pair this with Gateway Women’s vast array of supportive resources (including a reading group) and you will appreciate that you do not walk this path alone.
The exercises are accompanied by Jody’s commentary and gentle guidance. If you already know of Jody’s work, the you maybe aware of her infamous blog post ‘50 ways not to be a mother (with apologies to Paul Simon). Jody deftly deals with these different paths to childlessness by focussing on the path yet to take. In short, this book is for you no matter which route got you here.
Why should you buy the new edition? The updates are tremendous. I learned a lot from the first edition (published in 2013 and crowdfunded) and more from 2016’s edition. This new revision contains an exhaustive list of resources covering the demographics we find in the community from faith, colour, LGBTQIA+ and men too. The extended introduction, and chapters on grief offer detailed support for these communities presented as interviews with thought leaders and writers.
There is also a wide range of endorsements from journalists, broadcasters, researchers, doctors, authors and healthcare workers that goes to show just how important this book is. As a podcaster, writer and designer with many years of publishing experience, I encounter a lot of self help material. Many who write do not walk the talk, so to speak. In the many years I have been fortunate to know Jody, I have seen her skills grow though education and experience. All this hard work and dedication has grown this book and created a go-to publication that is authentic and truthful. Just like the author.
Competition!
If you’d like a chance to win a signed copy of Jody’s book, please like our Facebook page or Twitter page and like this post. I’ll pick out a name on 31st March.
How to order
You can also pre-order a copy from this link here
Read more
Jody is also giving away a copy of the book to those who sign up to her Mother’s Day webinar. This free 1-hr webinar, hosted by Jody Day, Founder of Gateway Women and author of 'Living the Life Unexpected: How to Find Hope, Meaning and a Fulfilling Future Without Children', will look at the experience of Mother's Day from the viewpoints of our different childless guests, as well as sharing self-care tips and answering your questions to help you navigate this day. Here guests are:
Lauren de Vere (UK), a licensed Gateway Women facilitator, will share about her experience of being narcissistically mothered, and how this impacts her feelings around Mother’s Day;
Lizzie Lowrie (UK) is the author of ‘Salt Water & Honey’ (March 2020) in which she writes about the struggle to cope with her childlessness alongside her Christian faith. Lizzie created the ‘Mother’s Day Runaway Services’ as a safe Christian alternative service to Mothering Sunday events;
Kate Kaufmann (USA), author of 'Do You Have Kids? Life When the Answer is No' will talk about her experience of being both childless and grandchildless on Mother’s Day;
Karin Enfield de Vries (NL), a licensed Gateway Women facilitator, will share about her experience of becoming childless at the relatively young age of 33 due to cervical cancer, before many of her friends and family had even started having children and how she’s learned to navigate Mother’s Day.
Do look out for the hashtag #LTLU on social media for more reviews and competitions! You can also tune into the next episode of the Full Stop podcast (presented by me with Michael Hughes and Sarah Lawrence) which is published on 15th March for another chance to win.