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https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1512938734916-RYTY9I9E182RNRRXOJ79/Screen+Shot+2017-12-03+at+10.03.08.png Stories https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1514840284237-ND05OZ4TC14TXUB7I096/shoes.jpg Stories https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1518433870736-PSE8FEF6T9F6979TOFOX/Screen+Shot+2018-02-12+at+11.09.32.png Stories - Erica https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1520869413837-ZEYZDO9TPAQH475ERK0U/image-asset.png Stories https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1522586573835-6NYY6PPNHDG7V3XL4STJ/Childlessness+booted+Mental+Health+Awareness+Walk+In+Our+Shoes+2.jpg Stories - Booted or Bare So, this is me most days, work, social situations, training events, family gatherings. A booted wall of defence is what it feels like, provoked and instigated mostly by high levels of anxiety, sometimes panic, sometimes Generalized Anxiety and Worry, and some social phobia/anxiety, may I add also. Have I always been anxious, ummm, maybe, certainly always been a worrier, but physically felt, bodily arousal type anxiety, no not really. So this wall of protection feels as though it has to ward off the potential threat and that threat is usually society on some level, whether it be through a lack of understanding, lack of education around Mental Health, or family/ cultural influence. So, you see, feeling inadequate, less than equal, an outsider, lonely, empty, disconnected, carrying shame and guilt, grief, loss and then, being a statistic can often feel very weighty and so very anxiety and panic provoking, so the vicious cycle continues. These not so helpful emotions and cognition's can become all too familiar and overwhelming. But they are also what I and other people like me who are childless by circumstance, or who are infertile, often feel and experience, quite a lot of the time and this can feel so debilitating. The invisibility of what we carry, can weigh very heavy, as can so many mental health difficulties. For me, it's the social or family situations, when I am the only female who doesn't have children, or the work colleague who isn't able to talk about how her children are doing at parents evening, or the childless woman who is seen as selfish or lacking in empathy because she has never bore a child, or the psychological therapist who works to help other people manage their mental health better, but is booted every day to protect herself. Eventually, it becomes exhausting and yes the anxiety creeps back in and then the vicious cycle begins again. Mental Health affects us all, there is no escaping it, depression and anxiety statistics are at their highest rates now and are set to rise and we can't ignore them or ourselves. Childlessness has had a huge impact on me and my self esteem, in fact on my ability to function at time. Anxiety is a product of that, for me and something that I have to manage. What I really want to do is go barefoot, be more transparent, more open and to feel ok about being 'bare', in an emotional sense, or exposed when I need to be, comfortable enough to let it out from time to time. No one person is an island and accepting help and support is a good thing, I should practice what I preach really. I feel I can truly be this way with very few people, but organisations like Walk in our Shoes have helped me to feel able to do that more, through connecting with friends whom I have met in similar situations and by reading the stories and relating to their journey. Walk in Our Shoes, continues to help me and many others. It gives us the opportunity to share our unique journey around being childless which helps us to connect to the parts of ourselves that we may find too difficult to do sometimes, to ' bare' ourselves in a safe and in encouraging space, to feel less isolated and to re-connect. This in itself is so powerful and can have such a positive impact on our mental health. It also helps because it is a cathartic space and one that can be creative too. What WIOS also does so well, is to raise awareness of the 'invisibility' that comes with being childless and the grief, depression, anxiety and trauma that it can bring with it. So yes, Walk promotes safety to share, but also embraces inequality, especially around stigma by supporting those who share, but also by raising awareness to those who struggle to grasp the concept of what its like to be us, if only briefly to step into or Walk in Our Shoes and get a sense of what that may feel like. This in itself has started to bridge the gap between those differences and 'invisibilities' that we feel and experience and that has to be a good thing in promoting better mental health and to also raise awareness of how being childless not through choice, impacts on our mental health in so many ways. So, I now feel more at ease with being 'bare' and I would like to thank WIOS for helping me to peel off my chunky boots, more often xx https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1523811107406-QOFPCEQ3LX6713LDA3XM/30698172_10216331493940439_5128920786626674688_n.jpg Stories https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1524227912293-IDMD1J6EVFHJKKCE0KRY/shoes.jpg Stories https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1531907923013-RRYTLS1TYQ8TMITI279Y/1531787864339407784863238062242.jpg Stories https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1534098338169-OB8OL5KGC6U6AZ1I7E7W/Tere+Dattari.JPG Stories https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1535789989949-L7OASYGIB3NBP78LQ26P/Screen+Shot+2018-09-01+at+09.19.26.png Stories - Zohir My religion says that I am meant to be a father. The Qur’an compares it to being a sun and I was brought up to believe that my dad was the centre of my world and he is. I’m told it affects 30-50% of couples in Muslim, or at least Google did cos nobody actually says said a thing about it. When I did say a few words because I was worried and honestly, going mad inside with it my dad said that Allah will save me and bless me with a child. It hasn’t worked in three years. I pray all the time for a miracle. My wife and I went to the doctor, we had a few tests and I know it’s my problem. She’s great actually, but it’s hard being strong for her. That’s what I am meant to be, strong and supportive but it’s hard when it’s me that’s the problem. I keep saying she should find someone else. The Qur’an also says that husbands and wives are garments for each other so I cling to that and so does my wife. But there’s a lot of crap out there. People saying it’s because we can’t handle a child, that we’ve past sins that can’t be forgiven, we have a different path in life or it’s Allah’s way of making sure we focus attention on religion not children. Either way, it doesn’t help much. Each day I feel like I’m walking a different direction, going about life in circles. I don’t really know the solution but I hope that saying these words helps me and helps others who are struggling because of their religion. They aren’t alone. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1540636951231-IXMZ0RJQ9G8PN9BVZ6C7/Katina+Walk+In+Our+Shoes.png Stories https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1540637190605-242L3QLVD5FMY4P2DUV2/Screen+Shot+2018-10-27+at+11.46.15.png Stories https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1543756420128-8UH51U0JF0UXIUB6KY65/walkinourshoes+childlessness+1.jpg Stories https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1543758211171-R7DRSKDWGKL835M4HPZT/walkinourshoes+childlessness+6.jpg Stories https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1546266155300-ZB0R0RSNI4U65V59ORGV/996208BF-B218-457A-A2AD-2E4EEC9D137A.jpeg Stories - Teresa My husband had cancer as a child so I knew when we got together that there would be a chance we would conceive naturally. We both knew it wouldn’t be easy but what we didn’t know was that there was no chance I will ever carry his biological child. His parents weren’t told that he would loose his chance of having his own biological child as he had chemotherapy. When we received this news we were heartbroken what made it worse was family and friends telling us to “have hope” and “you never know it could happen” when we know 100% it won’t. Guess no one ever wants to really admit a family member is struggling and heart broken by it. The hardest part for me is I’m only 27. All our friends and families are having kids, constantly talking about it there’s bump and scan pics all over my social media and it does hurt. They don’t understand why it hurts us. Sometimes I have to make up excuses not to see them because we both can’t face being around pregnancy and children. I’m part of an IVF support group at the moment and what I’ve learnt is that it’s ok to feel hurt and upset by these things and not to feel guilty about it because I did feel like I was some kind of monster for feeling this way towards friends and families happiness. When we got married a month ago, I stood there looking into my husband’s eyes and knew that having a child isn’t everything, we have each other and I love our life together. But I know what we are on this journey together no matter what happens we have each other and that’s all that matters. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1546364112543-FCI4I40G6B5P4VO486JU/IMG_0642.jpg Stories https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1548591614275-1KEWFC3QPBFO6XLEA1IM/E8CDB4B3-4145-450D-ACBD-1CF2939DEF8D.jpeg Stories - Helen It is 1st January 2019 and I sit, sorting through the Christmas cards. I am diligently saving little adornments and carefully cutting out festive images, just as my mother used to do in preparation for Christmas craft activities the following year. I stop suddenly as reality hits and ask myself why I am undertaking what it undoubtedly a fruitless task. Who is going to create pretty Christmas cards and pictures with these tokens I am saving? Certainly no child of mine. It is as I discard them into the rubbish bin that I decide it is time to share my story. I am forty-five years old, and I am childless by circumstance. Growing up, my hopes and dreams for my life were simple; meet someone, get married and have a family. Idealistic maybe, but not outside the realms of possibility. I had planned to have at least five children, which perhaps was idealistic, but I had been raised on episodes of The Waltons, The Cosby Show and much later, Party of Five, so my rose-tinted outlook was not entirely unexpected! Additionally, being the middle daughter of three girls, I had experienced the joys - and challenges - of having siblings and I wanted the same for my future children. Having a career was never much of a priority and I was not particularly ambitious. I was academically able and achieved degree level qualifications however and secured my first ‘proper’ job at twenty-two years old. It only ever really felt like an interlude though until I found my happy-ever-after – how naïve I was. I married my first husband at twenty-nine years old and was blessed with two stepdaughters, then aged four and five who I adored. I embraced the role of stepmother and when they spent weekends with us, I assumed the maternal role with ease and pleasure. Thankfully, they responded with equal ease. My husband and I had discussed having children together and it had always been part of our life plan, such as it was. His career took some time to establish however and we were not financially secure until a few years into our marriage. When we did finally make the decision to cease contraception and ‘see what happens’, we assumed naively that there would not be a problem. He was clearly fertile, and I came from a family where having babies seemed an easy and natural thing to do. Both of my sisters appeared to be able to conceive as easily as they breathed! The months, and then years passed however and we subjected ourselves to fertility tests, fertility drugs, temperature taking, ovulation kits, etc. without success. No medical issues were ever identified and there was no obvious explanation for our failure. By this time, friends and family were having their second or third baby and the anguish this incurred is difficult to describe. The excruciating monthly ritual of futile yet tentative hope followed by inevitable disappointment will be familiar to many reading this. The utter emptiness is beyond anything I have ever experienced and I would wish it upon anyone. My husband and I discussed IVF, which was our only remaining option, but we were not eligible for NHS funding as he already had children. My parents offered us a loan but by this time our relationship was rapidly crumbling and not solely due to our inability to conceive. After conveniently avoiding any conversation that I broached about IVF, and indeed being reluctant to have sex over several months, my husband announced that he no longer wanted any more children. I was, naturally, devastated, and whilst it ultimately gave me the courage and drive to leave what had become a very damaging relationship, I nevertheless had to face the very real possibility that I may never have my own children. The intervening years largely revolved around getting my life back on some kind of even keel. I had a couple of pretty disastrous relationships during this time but in 2014 I met my second husband. He didn’t have children but his online profile stated that he was open to the idea. By this time it was no longer a deal-breaker to me and I was pretty sure that I couldn’t conceive having not used birth-control for several years, but to leave it open as an option seemed sensible. As time went on, we discussed having children and it became clear that it was not a priority for him and as we got older, was something he actively feared. I could understand his reasons and indeed shared his sentiments about many of them. At seven years my senior and hoping to retire at sixty, fatherhood was definitely not on his wish list. We also had a very comfortable life, enjoyed holidays and the freedom to do as we pleased, and a baby would certainly have changed our lives beyond all recognition. There was also the increased risk of having a baby with disabilities and having worked in the field for several years, I knew that I would struggle with knowingly bringing a life into the world that would suffer. There was the risk to my mental and physical health as well and I accepted that having a baby at our stage of life would not be a viable or desirable option. That is where we currently are. There are those around me that tell me I am a mother however. A mother to my step-daughters (who I am blessed to still have close to me), my God-children, my nieces and nephew, my youth group members and the children and young people I have worked with over the years, I do not, for one second, wish to belittle or devalue these relationships. I am blessed to have been given these opportunities, all of which have enriched my life and my self-worth. I am also blessed to still have so many of these wonderful individuals in my life. My heart is richer as a result and I wouldn’t change a single one of them. It should be enough. That’s what my head tells me. I have so much and I am grateful, and for the most part my heart agrees. But for that one small, empty part of my heart. The part I keep buried, that holds the tiny flower that still raises its now slightly withered tendrils every month in the vain hope of a miracle. That is despite the now very clear signs of perimenopause. It is the part that still looks upon the cherished faces of my nieces, nephews, God-children and step-daughters and asks, plaintively, “Why not me? What did I do to deserve being denial motherhood?” It’s the part that fractures a little bit deeper every time I hear or read the words, ‘You don’t know what true love is until you’ve held your new-born in your arms.’ The part that still longs to feel the little spark of life growing inside me, and to know that unconditional love. And it’s the part that reminds me that the loss isn’t over yet. I bear the scars of childlessness but have yet to bear the loss of grandchildren. That, I still have to face. And I will do so, God-willing, and I will be brave. And I will be the best step-grandma and great-auntie that I can be. And I’ll pray that all I have been given will help the little empty part of my heart to be filled, and the tiny withered flower be finally buried. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1549039467568-ANHIHA3IRN55ING0PDQI/Thomas+Walk+In+Our+Shoes.png Stories https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1554065911926-DIG5XJZP0WBK8JT5BSDI/Screen+Shot+2019-03-31+at+21.56.55.png Stories https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1555067651939-ROM8F2IGUTAOE2IF7SV8/Roz+Walk+In+Our+Shoes+Pixabay.png Stories - Roz I have sat in the early hours of most mornings for years thinking did I try hard enough? Was there anything more I could’ve done? Let me start at the beginning, a beginning that I could not create myself. I am the eldest of 4 siblings. My childhood was unpredictable. Mum had miscarriages after me and when she was pregnant I became so jealous, sacred too that this new arrival would upset our world. And so it did as I was packed off to my grandparents. I loved them dearly but they were old. Their house was full of dark wood and drafts, the bedroom stark despite stickers and posters. My youngest sister is 12 years younger than me. For most of my teens she was my shadow as my mum battled with PND and my dad struggled with Parkinson’s and I was needed at home. University wasn’t an option. I stayed close, taking a job in the local Co-op so I could let in my dad’s carers and take my sister to school. In the evenings, my dad and I would read and talk about our dreams. Aged 17, my brother and his girlfriend were suddenly pregnant. I’d yet to have a boyfriend, I had no time to socialise and felt I was too old, one learns a lot about a life very quickly when you have responsibility thrust on you. I recall their wedding, on a boiling hot summer day, watching their friends, awkward and gangly around a registry office, not sure if they were allowed to drink the Diamond White beyond the toast. Most cycling to the venue as they hadn’t passed their driving test. An odd mixture of teen disco and baby shower. To give them credit, they had 2 more children and are still married, if not faithfully so. The babies were dumped around my parents at short notice and so I added baby-sitting to my scant CV. As the years went so my two younger sisters found their way in life, to university and marriage. Then it was just me left and I realise I had no friends, nobody to check up on me. No ties. So here I am, aged 54 and an aunt 6 times over. An orphan. Except I am not where my family expect me to be as they tackle grandparenthood and hope I’ll be the baby sitter again. I write this late in a long day that began with me standing by the doorway of my childhood home for the last time. Alone. On the driveway was my van, loaded with a few essentials. In my bank account, the proceeds of the house sale. In time I’d share some of this with my siblings, as my beloved late dad suggested I might do in his will, but not until I’ve found where I want to live my dreams. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5929a94e46c3c4128ba71600/1555929282654-4R28S0L4301SN4XGP70R/Walk+in+our+shoes.jpeg Stories - Elizabeth I recently attended a pre-retirement course with my husband and it was excruciating!! From the off, the course facilitators made the assumption that everyone in the room was married with children. When asked about our hopes for retirement, the female facilitator lumped spending more time with your partner together with spending more time with your children and grandchildren because according to her they are the same thing! Cue much angry under the breath muttering from me. At lunchtime my husband and I tried to join in the conversation but the parents simply talked across us. You see, when you are childless you become invisible. People talk around you, over you or simply avoid you. The worst offenders are the ones who default to parent superior mode assuming intellectual, emotional and social superiority over every aspect of your life. The so-called friends who have taken this attitude towards me have long since been cast off and my life is so much nicer without them. I am trying to face the future I hadn't planned for with hope and an acceptance that this is how my life is going to be. Retiring early is one of the upsides. Fortunately for us no-one asked why we didn't have children. In our experience some people assume you don't like children or have put your need for a career over starting a family. Whilst I don't owe anyone an explanation I really wish I had one, but I don't. I have no fertility problems and neither does my husband, yet we have never conceived. I am childless by circumstance, not by choice and I don't want to be. But I am and I have to accept that and look forward not back. I'm OK most of the time but there are moments when my grief sneaks up on me and gives me a wallop just to remind me that the child I wanted so dearly will only ever live as an ache in my heart. When asked to think about the people we respect the most, one lady cited her parents. Wallop!! I will never be that Mum that someone will tell others they respect most in the world and want to be like. Or the lady who tried to be sympathetic to my childlessness by saying "Awww. Well I only have the one." Wallop!! Oh how I would have loved to have had "only the one". I'm not greedy by nature and that's all I ever wanted – one child. 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